A husband and a wife get into a big bruhaha over how and where to spend the holidays. She is convinced that she’s right and he thinks she’s being ridiculous. The line is drawn in the sand, feet are firmly planted in his or her position, and it turns into a knockdown-drag-out fight. Things are said like, “You never liked my family,” or “You just want it all your way,” or “You never want to do what I want to do.”
Let me ask this: Was the real problem where to spend the holidays? Was the “issue” over which that couple fought really the issue? Can you see that there are underlying “issues” that have nothing to do with where to go for Christmas? There’s something else going on here!
So, let’s go to the crime scene of the argument and dig through the evidence.
This is what I like to call Relationship C.S.I.
You’ve most likely watched a crime show or two. Lots of people love those shows. There’s a murder or some other heinous crime and here come the detectives and crime scene investigators looking at all the evidence and talking to the witnesses. They are trying to analyze the scene of the crime to determine what happened, who did it, and why the crime was committed.
The same is to be done with relationships, according to James. The inspired writer encourages us to go to the scene of the crime. James calls us to think about the “quarrels and fights” among us, and then consider what happened and why it happened. The Holy Spirit through James is very clear about why we have these fights and quarrels.
James asks some critical questions:
- Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and salt water (James 3:11-12)? In other words, as an older sister in Christ used to say to me, “What’s down in the well comes up in the bucket.” What came out of your mouth, specifically those hurtful and aggressive words, came from your heart (see also Matthew 15:18-20). As ugly as it may be, we have to look within and ask God to search out our hearts to remove wickedness, bitterness and any other defilement because if we don’t clean the well (our hearts and minds), we’ll never solve our relationship issues. “Fervent love” only comes from pure hearts (1 Peter 1:22; 1 Timothy 1:5). “The wisdom from above is first pure…” (James 3:17).
- Who is wise and understanding among you? What kind of wisdom do you have? Read James 3:13-18 and look for the difference between God’s wisdom and demonic wisdom (yes, there is such a thing). How do you know if you have demonic wisdom? James says where there is disorder and every vile practice, look at the crime scene! There is jealousy and selfish ambition! He calls this wisdom “earthly, unspiritual, and demonic.” What does it look like to have God’s wisdom? James tells us! God’s wisdom is “first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere” (James 3:17).
- What causes quarrels and fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you (James 4:1-2)? This is as clear as it can be! If we come to the crime scene of our fights, the reason those fights happened is not hard at all to figure out. It comes down to the passions, selfishness and pride in our hearts. If you are at war with others, it is because you are at war within yourself.
These questions James ask are not easy, and they pierce us deep to our cores. But we want to get to the heart of a problem so that we can assess how do behave differently in the future! Therefore, we have to revisit the crime scene and ask ourselves some tough questions.
This applies to families, teams, churches, work, etc. The nation is always divided, we just have a new issue over which we can fight. And the same goes for families, churches, organizations and businesses. You have a meeting at work that goes sideways, and tempers flare as you discuss declining sales projections. Was the “issue” the issue, or are there underlying attitudes that are the problem?
Here are a few things I’ve learned about the “issue”:
- We will always have “issues.” There will always be things that we will disagree on, and will have the potential to turn into a major fight. Those “issues” are never going away.
- The issues will change. We may think we settled an issue, but then a different topic comes along and exposes the same underlying problems. New issues…same relationship and attitude problems.
- We can agree on an issue, and still not be united. You can see this concept played out in Scripture, in politics, in the church, etc. Folks in a church may all agree on certain doctrinal stands, but are they united? We will find out when other issues hit the fan. You and I might find an issue upon which we can clearly rally. But when the “next issue” comes along it may expose that we were never really united.
- We have to pray and calmly seek God’s guidance to look past the current issue. If investigators don’t look at all the evidence, then the criminal may go free while the wrong person is convicted. They have to look deep, past the surface, and look at all the evidence. In our relationships, we have to look past the current issue or fight and look at what the real problems, sources and motives are.
For our meditation today, we can remember that when there are fights and quarrels, there is something underneath the surface that has nothing to do with the current issue. Meditate upon the book of James.