Psalm 32:5 – I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,” and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah
An ancient problem.
It’s as old as Adam and Eve. We humans have a real problem with giving fake apologies. When we are confronted with our mistakes, missteps and sins, we seemingly do just about anything to avoid taking personal responsibility for our own actions.
Since the Garden of Eve, we humans have been pretty creative in trying not to take ownership for what we have done. Adam tried to blame God and his wife Eve, while Eve tried to blame the Devil (Genesis 3). Later in Israel’s history, king Saul tried everything possible to avoid accepting direct responsibility for his disobedience. And even when he finally admitted that he “sinned,” he really didn’t mean it. Saul was just afraid of losing his honor among his officials and nobles (1 Samuel 15).
Today, it’s no different.
Husbands blame wives. Wives point to their husbands. Children blame their parents. Parents say it is their kids’ fault. Baby Boomers blame Millennials, but the Millennials say the exact opposite. The Republicans blame the Democrats, the Democrats say it is the Republicans’ fault. The union blames management, and the management thinks its the union’s problem. When sports teams lose, everyone is looking for someone to blame: the coach blames the referees, the players blame the coach, and on and on it goes. It happens in churches too. Church members blame leaders, leaders blame fellow leaders or blame the members. Someone is always passing the buck.
The anatomy of a fake apology.
What does a fake apology look like? Here are a few signs:
- Conditional – “If I hurt anyone…” or “If I upset you.” People are clearly hurt and upset, otherwise they wouldn’t be coming to you. Saying “if” makes the person hurt responsible for his or her own feelings. It is her problem she feels they way she does. We continue to injure them further by laying the guilt of their feelings back on them.
- Vague – Lack of specifics given. We don’t truly lay out what we did wrong. No details. “I messed up.”
- Blame-shifting – Just like Adam and Eve…it’s not my fault. I did wrong but it’s your fault. I may have said something wrong, but you said something wrong first. You made me do it.
- Minimizing – We admit some wrong doing, but we really water down what we did. We like to maximize others’ sins, but our sins…we make really small. Someone else’s lie is a matter of national security, while our lie is a “little white lie.”
- Justification – Excuses like, “I was stressed.” “My life is full of pain and trauma so you should understand why I treated you that way.” “I was hangry (hungry/angry). “You need to understand my reasons for doing what I did.” It’s like these movies that tell the villain’s backstory explaining why Cruella Devil or Maleficent were so bad. It’s like the bad has now become reasonable or even good.
- No empathy – We don’t seek to feel what someone else feels. They are hurt and they are sharing that hurt with us, but we have ice in our veins and stiffness in our body language. We’re more concerned with saving face or being right. To show any feeling would be to give credence to their complaint.
- Passive words – Phrases like “the things that you were hurt by,” or “the things done that upset you.”
- Lawyering the other person – Only after we criticize the tone of the person coming to us, picking on their timing, crying foul at the tone they used, etc. do we actually apologize. Its like the person coming to us has to jump through a thousand legal loopholes before we’ll admit we’re wrong.
- My turn / your turn – “Ok I have apologized, now it is your turn.” We feel like it has to be equal. If I am going to apologize, then they had better apologize for what they did.
The results are catastrophic.
Failing to truly apologize just keeps inflicting more damage. Hurts and wrongs are not acknowledged. Feelings are not validated. Trust deteriorates even more than when the first injury happened. Any further dialogue is discouraged. Resentment and bitterness start to set in like concrete. Reconciliation becomes less and less possible while we move farther and farther apart. And if we are unapproachable and we don’t apologize to others when they come to us, then they will probably stop coming to us (Look at the life of Nabal in 1 Samuel 25).
What is the heart of Jesus here?
Jesus made his heart clear on this matter. He expects the one who recognizes he has hurt someone to stop everything, including worship, in order to go and make things right (Matthew 5:23-24). And also Jesus taught that when someone comes to you and tells you that you have sinned against him or her, that you should admit it and make it right. The goal is “winning our brother” and having a healthy relationship (Matthew 18:15). When we fail to take ownership and truly apologize, we do not have the heart of Christ. When we have the heart of Christ we seek to be honest in our hearts and admit the truth, even if that means we have to accept blame.
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